Honor Your Boundaries
“Boundaries protect you from people that your spirit cannot easily afford.” -Thomas Leonard
The unhealthy or damaging behavior of others can literally stop you in your tracks. Such behavior can make you feel unappreciated, used, and abused. Continuous association with such people can deeply damage your self-esteem and belief in yourself.
A boundary is an imaginary line you draw in the sand, beyond which you do not allow others, personally or professionally, to trespass. As you strengthen your boundaries you will notice fear diminish significantly and trust will seldom be an issue. You will also start attracting healthier more productive personal and professional relationships. When your boundaries are NOT well defined you tend to attract needy, disrespectful people and business situations.
An example of how poor boundaries show up in business relationships are; clients who nickel and dime you to death, those who do not keep their agreements, whine and complain, and constantly try to get you to do things, for free, which are not included in your contract. These clients are costing you emotionally and financially and are a red flag that your boundaries are not well defined or enforced.
One client began to remedy this problem by reexamining his contracts. He now makes sure everything is spelled out in the contract; including change order costs and delays, and how these will affect delivery of agreed upon products or service. He makes sure the contract describes exactly what he and the client are to be responsible for providing and in what time frame.
He stopped making assumptions and became willing to release clients who did not hold up their end of the bargain. In reviewing past experiences, he realized that releasing (firing) disrespectful, problem clients earlier rather than later could have saved him a lot of money, time, stress and grief.
In personal relationships examples are; family members, friends, and coworkers who make fun of you with deprecating remarks, use digs, tease, or frequently criticize you. You can also recognize that your boundaries are in poor condition when, after spending time with someone, you feel depressed or depleted instead of energized and refreshed.
Clarify Your Requirements
“Everyone in your life deserves to know what you expect/require of them.”
Make a list of the 10 things that people may no longer do around you, or say to you. Begin to educate your friends, family and coworkers regarding your new rules of behavior. You are not avoiding useful and helpful feedback, you are however, insisting that every single person in your life be considerately constructive rather than critical.
Be relentless and yet not punishing or judgmental as you extend your boundaries. Determine ahead of time how you will handle violations of your boundaries. When someone violates your boundaries inform them of what they are doing and request that they stop immediately. If they don’t, abruptly demand that they stop. If that does not work walk away without any snappy or get even remarks. This is not a game of “one-ups-man-ship” or “I got you.” You are simply insisting on the respect and consideration that you deserve.
As you become clear and firm in what you are and are not willing to have in your life the universe will begin delivering people and situations which are in alignment with your values and desires. Of course, this may mean spending less time with or eliminating all together, offending family members, coworkers and friends.
At first this may seem like a loss, but in reality these people were a drain on your heart, soul and mind. You will be surprised at how much lighter, empowered and more optimistic you will feel when they are around you less and less.
Finally make a list of 10 ways you may be consciously or unconsciously violating other people’s boundaries. Make a conscious commitment to stop.
Become considerately constructive and nonjudgmental with yourself and others. Let go of hurt feelings or grudges. Reward and thank those who respect and abide by your boundaries.
This is not a process that is accomplished over night so be patient with yourself and others as you work through the identification and refinement of your boundaries and requirements.
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The 8.5 x 11 PDF of "The 10 Steps to a Strong Personal Foundation" by Thomas Leonard
is available here The Personal Foundation Mini Poster
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Joan Bolmer, 3307 Lake Ridge Bend, Spring TX, 77380; Office 832.458.0455
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